hero is hero.

bad calculators do bad things. like fishing reals they reals and tell numbers but they arent real - cause theys bad. like fake. building blocks to a new revolver almost revultion - near revolution - an eventual trans-mutagenic revolution. inside bricks just scraping by in windows while shoppers walk and dance down hallways with unintelligable police staring down - wondering if what they are doing is right - but that m-wow has got to be there, even if you cant hear it
"can you hear it?"
"i never said i couldnt"
"but can you hear it?" i never said i couldnt, although i can, i just wont. right? right. but wrong like that bad calculator - doing bad calculations and spinning mad jazz with whiney electronic pulses that just wont shut up. its breaking my ears. i tell you now that if i had the choice i would listen intently but ask it to refrain from being so damned loud and lousy - or loose in its affliations with music. there just isnt any harmony there. but i guess thats ok, cause thats not what their looking for. right? wrong. like the bad calculator and bad false calculations - bad musicians and noises just trying to flow down and slow down better than that whiney bitch whistle - yes i said bitch whistle and you can count on me to say it again - bitch whistle - woah! im on a roll. rolling down hils in the summer time with the grass staining your new jeans and mama's gonna smack you for that one. you know it, just like you fell off the bridge but she wont take you no where, cause its just not important. blow me down . like a captain on a failing ship. he goes down. stupid fuck.
honour gets you no where when your going to die at noone but god's almighty hand. im not going down with no ship you can count on that. my big black fear of big black cold icy ocean will take plenty care of my honour - just you wait and see. my honour will jump overboard and i will be next - in the life raft - pushing you out. it was my boat anyways. like batman solving crimes and broken filliments in long empty light bulbs, somethings just work the way they do - nurse with wind up doll - pull strings and it spits acid - distortio bomb - suprised me and i was almost asleep. so i gots to explanatories to the mrs. - gots to lets her knows thats thats hows its gots to bes. rights? wrongs. lefts? nothing, but those lights on the corner flashing yellow then stopping the red cars wont move unless i let them. bassey bomb come next - take me away to special magic world - infinite responce governed only by my reality- how small is that? everything i can concieve and everything i know or dont know i cant (everything behind my back) is all part of my magic reality. broken calculators and silly piggies - stray cats in love birth boxes beside the playgrounds where i played tag when i grew up on collins - but they weas at foster.
no im wrong. america dont need no masked caper capping the crime scene.just black men walking down streets smiling and greeting discussing love everlasting. thats what we can all learn from these strong men - love everlasting. building upon new lasting friendships.

"horny? no. i just had a pee."
glee? yeah.. its fun. i get it. some times. it comes and goes like the wind blows and my name is jose and i dont wear shoes all the time but my feet get cold. i should wear socks at least. it goes over better that way. the cats dont tickle and i dont go as numb. i need to excersize - nah mean? y'know what im sayin? ya' dig? get it? got it? good. like a busted calculator but chilling in the freezer or on top like the orange juice i took out. i understand its not all clear, but do i understand that its not all clear? i dont think so. but that, i understand. no no no its not all clear and anyone who says so is either selling something or trying to make it with you - so just keep your mouth shut, sit on your ass, cross your legs, and hid your wallet. i used to hide my wallet. i rarely do so now. its useless pointless and it just increases my fear. stupid me. i increase my own fear but sometimes i loosen the bonds. thats what faith and hope are about. loosening the chains of fear and suicidal needs and urges.

"its quieter in these parts. not as much noise as in the jungle. how did you get here anyways?"
" i took the 47 bus"
"i remember when we only had the 1 and the 2 - the 1 went north and the two, well it went south and a little left. it went past the old school"
the old school as he wiped his brow. brow sweat is where its at. with no empty promises - i promises.
"not like im empty or anything.. im just saying..." oh this is going nowhere and that was the intent to be deep but superficial like an abandoned superhighway or a sock. i know this beat. ive heard it before. i walked once. i went to the store. i bought me a record. it was the rap. i put it on, and that bitch skipped. i need needles like a heroin addict. im no dj, but i need them. the punk rock vinyl is calling me from beyond the grave - like some war hero - thats funny. punk rock war hero from beyond the grave. i need more mail. why dont the postperson come teach me a lesson or two? why does school kill me? why do ideas not count anymore? did they ever? it seems like they did.. i wonder what happened?
"do you know?"
"i think i do"
"but do you really know?"
i could say i do and turn to page 120, or i could turn back and face that goblin thing - those damn dice be rolling again tonight - like god. or no? do thoughts count? they did for einstein, but he was new. do i have to be new? am i new? original is a catchphrase. your lucky if you catch it. globalized worlds just dont care about your thoughts. they arent important to the whole.. the whole of whatever might just be. its no good. or hoof like a horse with a lame leg. gotta put me down sucka. gotta shoot me now before i hurt someone. sheeeeit.

metallo smash - Ike ish cobash!
pang - clash - dont do this for cash dont you know, not even the fame, or maybe. never know with laughy loud drunk people scurrying about on TWO FEET (!!!). O.O eye poppy. its incredible. two feeted bars walkers walking bars. french language love twins smiling in each others eyes dreaming of you know what - wanting to head back to their beds together to feel. i used to feel you know, it wasnt that long ago, than along came a spider and sat down beside her, and she told me i had to go. damn bugs. damn half bugs with hook claws infesting my nightmares - sliding out of conch shells on mantels making me mental - tearing up buildings exposing me to terrible heights only to fall into a sea of fish and eels. terror trees underwater. my fears. oh god. im scaring myself. gotta stop now. i shouldnt do this. fucking fish. fucking heights. fucking bugs. fucking fear. boys will be boys under their damn sheets that is - and if you turn on those lights i'll scream, and if you turn em off i'll scream louder. fucking nightmare boy.
my feet are still cold. my rests are ok.. but my feet are where its at. you know? i dont care. i m going to stay up later everynight until i somehow am sleeping at ten at night and waking at 6? or maybe.. going to bed at 3pm and waking up at 11pm staying up throughout the night and going places than coming home by lunch for dinner and sleeping again. yes splendid idea ol' chap. jolly good. good form! right then. what next? metaphysics? superstring? notice that they collect personal information.. what is that? that is spooky. im spooky - tuben. downhill on a skate. us. bombs. bush. tree. clearcut. pollution. bush. KANG! wake up. its over. dont trust me? its true. one soggy dream after another. one cookie. one shot. one moon. last glow. so many stars. none belong to you. you dont have space. its empty. no one. i want something though. call it conditioned. i want it. something. not just to fill me.. but to share with.. you know? is that still greed? am i a demon? satan laughing - or singing. or crying you never know with that satan guy, always up to no good. its called freespell for a reason.. but when i come to that part i'll let you know. i need more options. but dont we all? ghost. shit im bruising alot lately and my legs hurt. i want to go lie down. i forget what i want to ask. damn. oh yes. fireworks. i want to see fire works. i have some in my bag, nice shiney ones just for me. but i have enough to share.. its ok little boy.. you can have one too.
"he really likes the lights"
and no one can take them away. no one. lets hope. but ive got matches. i can make more fire, more light. more light. less night. no.. i like night. i just dont like screaming and pain and fear. i like psychic peace. when folks brains is sleeping and its only mine left. i is the only one awake so i dont catch your thoughts. you know what im talking about. you i they him write better at night. no invasions from anyone elses thoughts.. thats why i fly at nigh- thats why its alrigh- that why i smil- guy.
dop bob billy bop.boom boom doing well. twelve saliva. really big bubbles with saliva. dropping out of my goofy mouth. you know? its ok. i drop like that sometimes. sometimes more than once. maybe, if your lucky, twice. just brake when you seem me in the street ok?

my shoes are on this time. but their big - fermenting in smell. smell. bad like fish in boots. i like boots, but no fish - but enough of that. bruised rays of misery eh? oh god she is stupid sometimes. youve got that lost look on your face again. that damn tv is killing me. big minds dont talk. my lonely princess. its all going to hell. yeah.. accept it and try to move on but keep nasty bad face in back of my face like mirror. its all backwards so it dont count. quarters cost ten dollars in some parts. its stupid. definately some broken calculators at work there. i can write but i cant write right. like a sad tale of workers killing each other - smack goes in arm. release and smile. lay back. float. these paragraphs are broken. stairs kill. i need - sad take of bread, dont think.. it hurts. you got it made. natures a bitch - but its called tough love. blow in my hands like they play gooey mellow tones - organical and warm. im happy but cold, and there are itchy feelings about.

sanctitude and solitude is icy jesuit night - smoking out under orange necrofly sky. splash and slop. murky goo and yet i venture forth for true love to find someones true love. i mean friendship. they mean couple. i mean peace. they mean peace. its all the same. just new attributes. i hope it all goes well. sandwich bags or cardboard? you never know in this day and age - milking a native name and sliding down those slippery slopes - wasting time, regenerating hope. venture forward without me but i dont mind, im helping a new set of precious lives. in my good time i help see light and with my might i can fight and win. its true - ive seen it happen. it wasnt even on tv. brain flame is going down to tom. tom dont let go. ok? ok. its good when tom holds tight and screams through bent horn.

my vaginal wall is bleeding. im running away from them for sure. i promise. if only.. i will though.. in not so clear directions. i tried, and damn, im better. i just didnt ...do it.. ...for ...some... odd... reason. ? why not? why the hell didnt i? i have better things to do than recite their useless drival? no. i have more important thoughts. yes. i think, i learn, i just dont repeat the words like a fucking automaton. yes. kill me now cause i think by myself. yes. kill me now. im going down for it. fuck. them. its there faults. i tried for 5? 6 years? i did what i saw fit, what i felt was interesting. they give me experimental classes and i soar! they give me abstract knowledge? i run the shit. they give me structure, timelines, questions, examinations, essays, empty thoughts and i drop it. why? fuck. i cant do the simple things. assholes. my eyes are bleeding.

im all shattered right now. my thoughts are wacky and in broken principle. best time to write if i were comfortable. fucked up sleep + darkness + cold feet + hormonal flux + fear failure = booty dont work right. fuck you too. my mind is slippery today. masturbation in the morning is always good - especially when its not in the morning. clamp hand loses to fur ass.

such is slave culture right? broken backs and guys on the couch. i want to be on the couch - talking. you play.. well. SAVE WHAT YOU CAN !!! really.. just try it.. i did.. i got nothing. maybe you'll get ten cents from god or something. like blessing strangers. cart trucks - crack house - drunk ass - welfare checks - beat me wife - biker gangs - country settings - parties with dull children - juice face kids - kill them while you can - i promise it will hurt less this way. just grab them by their rat tails and tell them their favorite wrestler died. punch them in the stomach. throw hockey pucks and empty beer bottles at their parents. burn their fucking smelly ass factorys and steal their fridge. starve them out. that car that doesnt work on their driveway can be sold for parts, and in case someone hit us with an elastic, we were prepared to kill.
"stop talking"
"no" he looked at it. it shined through his eye, that doesnt happen often.
"then tell me what your talking about and stop rambling. im gonna smack you!"
"i'd just scream louder - and get off my back"
the old man slid down off his back and began walking briskfully trying to keep up. he wasnt that longlegged so it didnt work much. he knew some tall birds had long legs but he didnt know how to spell their names.
"why are you such a fuck?"
no one asks the right questions anymore. like whens that flood coming to wipe you out? all those chemical baths arent enough. maybe im just impatient. but i doubt it. your killing me faster than any flood would kill you. if god is really really realreal, than it'll be soon.. before bum out. now wake and get a job or i'll throw you out of this metaphysical nothin' hole. you'll be on the side.. while we sing in the middle cause of your own arrogance. asshole. just you wait see, i'll call god and your going down. just wait here.. i'll leave and never come back. but you can stand there waiting for some flood and everytime it rains you be freaking out. haha! fear god not me. who's more likely to cause pain? im to tired for your arguments. just listen and shut up.
men stink dont we. i think you'd better stop us before we ruin everything -cause we will. all men are potential rapists. =o] yeah right. like all snails are potential food. like all womyn are potential abortionists. like all creep is all creep. crack is for the nutty - not for you. when i think of new batterys i think of cute little nothings all soft and cozy an i put my hand out an they climb up - like rats or something. special bobalooey. dreams with black big robot bird in stars oh oh oh experiential love splitter magic in my wand ba'by! Wes'side! automaton love. jangle fuck. shmidt - thats my name too. whenever i go out the people always look the other way or turn their heads and keep their eyes on me like i cant see.. and i cant see cause i cant, but thats ok .. really it is. i dont mind - no i, i dont mind. no-oh i, i dont mind. take take take me home. star like sun. sun in sky. star in sky. like sun. emo names. fist on god. roof is leak. kill the boy. hat on head. see spot run. down down down. crosses and steaks. yum yum yum.
"you smell like a cowboy, cowboy."
so we all gotta go this unknowing about the knowing until we know that we should un-know, thus knowing. sparky jangle plop! salt is fun.
"One more slice of bread for Jesus, one more slice of bread."
"One more slice for the almighty, and his rightious ways,"
"One more slice of bread my brothers, one last slice of bread,"
"I love my bread, and I love Jesus. One more slice of bread."

"Thank you sisters for that wonderful hymn! Like the song says, there is one more slice of bread.. for Jesus!.. ONE! MORE ! SLICE ! ..FOR JESUS ! Amen... This one slice for Jesus.. this next LIFE for JESUS!"
"You see.. Jesus.. broke the bread of life with his deciples, and then he went to the cross for me and you.. THEN, like that slice of bread, that fluffy bread, Jesus got another LIFE! Another SLICE! Yes, lord,.. "
maybe im to old. maybe im silly. maybe i suck. maybe the fear is stronger than me. maybe i cant leave. maybe their right. maybe it would be easier to give up. maybe i shouldnt go. maybe i should have a plan. im just scared. what good is a phrase that just dont work? how can we pick one that does? i cant seem to think of anything that would fit my motif of unintelligent, omnipresences in laymens terms - the not smart smart. books from the 50s got it or doteryevsky? i cant spell it.. well.. notes from underground has it so far, the wit, the nothing, the self concern over self concerning ideas. dont ignore it, understand it and flow with it, know with it - he did and look what happened. crime and punishment. i havnt read it but he must have had some good ideas - probably because he took his small things serious - as big things. it doesnt work like that i swear, by god - she saw the whole thing go down - ask him.

you know.. if it gets broken? its not my fault. deep puddle flesh - tunnel o pain - fountain - well - low looking up but sinking down. post dramatic stress disorder. lying then paying for it.dont lie and you dont have to pay - dont share and its all the same. wake ups and other bad things break you, and take you far, but they leave something behind. your soul. i want to bring it with me as far as i go. davey is a disco queen, dancing all night like a mad killer bee fighting his way through a bad bad dream, with witches and punks being so mean. gotta kill by fire, doomsday. doomsday. kill. by fire. like chicago. by fire. its like that old time religion, and knowledge and physics and pictures and slop and death, black river cholera - disease - killed by your own spark - penetence now. bill is down, i repeat, bill is down. no more. singing in my pit o' human filth like children playing death by fountains, bringing poison to their mouths - cupped hands, crippled feet - sweet sweet singing, monumental birth right, nobel float and bloated. cant take that away from dead man - god slaps you now. this is it, flag waving and vikings bellowing out over misty mountain tops - old poetics of bravado macho boato with horns - pear trees grow where pear trees are planted. shooting star gone spangel fluck. innocence pissed on by mad maniacal meanies with cartoon wizards and beards down to their crooked pointy elf shoes. new ogg pog go small make music big though. you git it. ugg ogg be fuckin me up. psychosomatic head trips of flu and dizzyspells and i have to get up and drink pink juice and defeat evil germinology with my mezmo intestinal astroillogical signs with hydrating qualitys. old town fire emergency, up all night making copies for the masses and and masas' and slaving over this note to no one for the no one no where old man just wont shut up and put it together on time if it all works out i bet it will fail and sink like a broken sub. old men holding pick axes by train tracks with their shoes full of holes and the mustaches ragged like their clothes, but proud proud folk standing by a massive on going train car with steam and men in suits who financed the project to later hire these men to die for their engines and sit transfixed on the future and the providin' like the preacher preaches providence and the good lord smacks you again.
"yes its black"
"oh... im all excited.. "its black" like your some tall english woman an i am sitting in a chair all thin and pale like you know what your talking about and i know nothing (not in a bad way, but in a wonderful way like i just inherited a large sum of money and i dont know what to do with it)"
perhaps this is too much for one person to handle so he creates other people to fill the numerous roles in his deep hollow skull. wake to bad old vibes like country star and forget all that was said in the middle of the bone. there is a car on top of my head and it wont open its hood.

dont lie to me. dont lie to him. dont lie to us cause you wanna lay with him. ignore your promise cause your to self centered and you swear to much you fuck. go fuck him you fucking lying fuck. fuck you! release the beast from within cause you make me scream. my soul rips apart everytime i try and you deny everytime you ask, i respond then you dont care. your superficial. you surface sucking undeep whore of your life. you make yourself - and you break others - then you break yourself again. you dont care. you kill. you kill yourself. go kill yourself and kill yourself you killer of self. thats all you do. you talk about respect, you dont know respect. you know the same respect as those in my dreams. they dont know respect. they know crack. they lie for crack. they hurt for crack. you are the crack demon. you fuck your crack. you fuck your head you crackhead. i hope your head cracks. what goes around comes around, and it comes hard!!! i got no right to do nothing but the universe will punch back. its going to punch back for all of us who are too weak or know we shouldnt. your pain will catch up to you. you will feel it. no more covering it up with your shit. shit beamer. shit streamer. shit spewer. shit on you. shit on you. swallow. scream cause you cant breath through it. know what we know. know how we know. it all comes back now. it all comes back - with a smack. a pick axe. pain bringer. withdrawl from the world to suit your needs. you dont see cause you dont care. you say you do but you make it beyond you like you always do. we try, but you deny, and we sigh, cause your going to die, with bad eyes, and poor lies that you try to hold yourself high but nye, you lie, and die. die. anger needs expression. others want to take it out on you. your cruel. shut up. your words dont count. youve broken bonds to many times. drown in your lies.

you know what it is like to create and to know how to create but to not be able to get that out cause you dont have the tools? i dont have the tools. poet without paper. musician without a string. ass without an intestinal path. rainbow to blur visions, but it only lasts a while, while i still cant find it. please - im about to break. boiz in tha hood dont know this new sucka comin outta the northsi'de with a capability of dropping beats. i dont steal footballs mind you, but i do make a good apple crisp. black eyes. they have the cures. click dash fourty seven percent. this is what echo looks like. scratch like a mad paddy pat post man with a cat, and a black hat in which those peace loving doves come from. jargon jamble sick still fanatical - about the way it seems to fall with a linky slinky down the stairs e-fect. beep! its not good from this perspective, the round the round about. cold breath, on broken phones by highways. yeah. yyy-y-yy-yy-- yeah.
"can you spare some change? my ..my mom.. (looks to the side) doesnt.. (looks again and motions to move)"
its time to leave. rolling around town in the back on a garbage can over leaves and past lakes. i show lydia but she just laughs. thats how it is.. kids raping kids to sell crack and wear those clothes, but dont you knows, you infest my head like a good show, and also dont you know, that its the wrong way, to get payed, to bring pain, to another - you got yourself to blame. out to lunch, with a bang in your hand, think you got the look but when i roll by on my garbage can, you got the fears in you - i can see. no trying to rape me. please! dont need to infest me, to take me again. no need to stick my side with your spear like pen. no need to steal my dreams, no need to fight me, though it seems - its an easier way to get what you layaway, without having to work a day . but hey, im human, we were brothers one day. whats this? protecting community? fighting me with fear? i challenge that aspect and take on you with respect - tolerence and integrity, to the community, is what i expect. no fear. thats what i want, but the more your inclined to take my mind, the more i hide. nah nah nah, that is no longer the cool. i have no more fixations. leave me ! LEAVE ME ! i know you know you know its wrong. thats all i need. and you to leave me be!

everywhere and all over the place in the emotional mental turmoil realms. chaotic and calm and bitch slapped a couple of time. you dont know... its been terrible, with broken eyes and twisty turny gardens that make me sick with mountains in the garden. 3-d adventure girl has taken off again, and i sit here watching through quick still motion. damn. cant get my glitch on, writing cause i write... well ......sorta. see that? i play with words. im cool like that, im hip like that im chill like that, i rock like that, i swing like that, i move like that, i kill like that. clip hop, bit hop, gl.tch hop, tick hop, flea pop, single sop top. spin spin ! go dradle. pearly pink. yes.. still alive.. shakey floor boards shake and i get scared, but im always scared. i just try to hide it or face it, but i usually run. im no good at the facing portion of fear molecules. they attack like electrons and im a negatron? two ton bomb. yes? yes. boop. i can boop like the best of them. yes? yes. i can boop like the best of them. best. yes? best. yes? boop. best? yes. tick tock topicity. i know how it works. it breaks like that often.. i think i need a new calculator.

side slide side to slide side with echoplexor monk ejector that track dont know cause i dont keep track - with a tracking device, devised for tracking. the thirst drives me to nuttalicious tenebrous roots. numinous like hell but black light glow. blue undertow. soundtrack to the underworld... you know the one. the shot gun blasts with the long horns and the river styx.
"ferry men dont make change ma' boy."
or so they do when you touch the paddles the right way. i know the way. no quaters for me... wait. no .. just quaters. thats all i want. remember me. bury me undertree. know my leaves. i leaves this world for the next and beyond - the skys and stars and sparx. blue little crystals out in nowhere. space. above. beyond. yes! i know where i come from. im there. yes. send me to the no where zone in the back of the room. i dont hurt harm or pain [pain]. its all good when you dont swim, but i float. i mentioned that already didnt i. i wrote that like eye, but i thought that wouldnt work so i lifted it. someday, someday we shall know, its all flat. gloria. pie.

yes yes..so.. nothing special.. i may have unawarily eaten some breaded crap thinking it was fried tofu. deary dreary.. oh well. i blame it on ignorance. me, you, god knows i try. thats what counts. the effort. i make effort. sometimes. we all know its impossible. oh well. i dont get sick. big head. big guy.. probably has a big fridge. what do you think? does it? i like peanut butter. do you? sucker punch. i cant do this anymore.
when they destroy the energy of the earth for the energy of the technology i resist them. the destruction of soul for their plans (so hollow) i resist them. i resist the empty emptiness. i resist their pain on my mother. i resist them. i resist them.
when they smile cause they stole my smile i resist them. when they steal my world for their pockets and immediacy, i resist them. i resist their empty vision. i resist their worthless endevours. i resist them. i resist them.
when they steal our souls and crush my fields i resist them. when they rape my soil and vomit in my blood i resist them. i resist their nastification. i resist their exfecetion. i resist them. i resist them.
when i stand in the way i resist them. when i break down their tools i resist them. when i free my soul, and break their "bones" i resist them. i resist them.

my monkey sings: when will you tie your knees to the ceiling for me eh? we will roll in the rolls we see, you'll see, its all shame. someday they'll know. someday all see. someday me study for the sky. i might point but try. ohhh.. ehosay uu i dont say. say i dont know you its all see yeah ohhh.. someday they'll know. someday i'll go. someday me study for the sky, im going for it, in time. ohhh... i'll be ok, you'll need to hold on to me. when its time to play. ohhh...see? someday they'll know. someday whole we. someday we set sail, all the while im hung. nevermind. you dont know. gloria pie. lets see you. lets see the tree of sun do. someday.

sing sing sing angel boy love sequence!! save the earth and cry me to the river and flood their dam and damn their dam those bastards who rape and till and kill just for the money. stand tall, sing loud and i be watching from over here pouring over you in silent adventures cause sometimes, sometimes i cant let it out, well im sure you understand how it is with people who believe they care, but i just dont, cause i dont feel it, or i feel like they pity the no no boy sitting all alone with the nono love - damn shiney hope is what i have for the world outside and lets hope they shine back. i often just want to steal certain people and kiss and hug them but they dont like it like that, especially with me so that just wouldn't work out to long now would it? no calculators here to do the love math for me so i am stuck trying to figure it out myself (lonely lonely lonely lonely lost boy in a sea of no see me) - but it can only get better right? wrong. it will get worse but i am prepared cause i might meet the soul on the way to heaven, but i first have to make the first step on the first step on that stairway up there to heaven - just thart first step that is so hard to make. but i have to promise myself, for myself, for my future and love loss needs and pleads and screams and streams of tears (you see where im going with all this? HELL!!! i cant keep track of how it works ((nor do i want to)) so im doomed for ever) and that assorted nonsense, but its ok cause thats what im all about. but now im sick like sick and snotty and weird and i always feel cold and i mustve looked cool at school cause my scarf was on my head and my head was down and my walkman on listening to dvorak just chilling, sitting, sicking, examing, listening, playing with thoughts on writing and all sorts of food and how i will not be able to be free but i leave that to the de-it-y. do you like sports? i dont like playing sports. im lazy. i get my thrills from the t.v. (sad but true ((denuh nuh nuh nuh - metallica?)) but its fun too) and books. then shes got the bag i want. only love can cure the disease as they sit on the table and light pours forth from their loins, her heaving breats bounce and her long blonde locks flow in the wind - like a romance novel, but better. with style. i need a toy toy toy. but i also dream about my birthday and what that will be like - will i be walking and singing or freezing and pouting or little bit of both in some strange town ive never heard of trying to find food but losing because i am just not trying hard enough - but i bet, when there is no other option, i will try and try and keep trying because there is no other option - no option is my only option.

i want middle music to be my music in the middle so it feels like its even and my head doesnt teeter to one side and i develop this odd neck twist that cant be fixed because my speakers were brukt a long time ago. i will be walking and you see my neck all cruckt and bent and you'll know why - cause my speakers were brukt a long time ago.
"dot click ahhh"
thats it! psychometry in flow bing. you know its true. but im never too sure. im always doubting and the fearing. thinking i shouldnt be here, and they dont do nothing to prove me wrong so i still thinks i has to goes. i need the knowin'. the inside deep winded voido knowin'. feather. block out the bad winning world and lose by myself. i need close cut tight knit evolution with a small size group. i need ma own langy and toungue. black torn skirt - black jacket - black boots - black short hair - yes yes yes. deep sandy pitch - gang of the child'begones - long time a'go - lost.. but yeah, it got blamed on me and i lost it, and i know i know you dont want me around, and i know you avoid saying it but i can read your soul, dont try to hide it anymore cause it just hurts more that way. really it does. dont let me leave without making me peel that soul and walk away crying inside. i cant do it in front cause i gotta stand up and not let it bother me but when you stare down options and look at me with annoyance and disgust its obvious i cant walk anymore. shhh.... just tell me and let me go. dont push, dont pull, just let me go..please. all i do is doubt. and you do nothing to sway me and i always turn away non knowing how to respond, just go. its my fault. let go. forget it. i dont know what to do half the time and i just want to touch your face and dance.. slowly... across the street into some warm bus shelter waiting for that wonderful mobile to take us away to that special place. just dont deny it. tell me to go when its time for me to go. i can take it - yeah right... like a busted old shack dropping from the sky into a field of grenades, while you bare a smile full of pinny teeth - but it doesnt matter. nothing matters - thats how i can cover up the pain. deny its importance. deny it the meaning i want so much. just rip out its feel - crush it before it comes any closer - "stop or i'll shoot" - i never liked it anyways....     i really did, and you know it. but who cares about what i care about but me. its all pavement.

i rip my lips apart everytime i sneeze. and my big ol googly ideas get me thinking thoughts that arent right. i doubt my feelings - i doubt cosmic love - i doubt unity - i doubt myself - i fear them - i doubt the soul of souls - i feel weak. pains take over like terrible viruses and the good isnt sneaky so its hard to combat with love when i dont got none. i need a stream to fill me up again. thirsty are getting thirstier.

i still believe in angels. i really do. i believe in those special beings that come from somewhere unhere and just love and take care of you and hold you tight and tell you to relax cause god is watching us and we dont have to worry. god i wish i didnt have to worry - or didnt worry cause i never have to worry. angels, babies and whales. all loving special gods in special god loving ways. same with trees stars sand and me, but as stated before i get lonely and forget all the gods around me. i try to force them to communicate my way and make them speak to me in my langy toungues but they dont - they have their own ways. stars shine. trees bring shade and oxygen. sand sits there cause it knows there is nothing else to do. angels love. babies play and whales swim and sing.

shiver and quiver and i wont feed me sleep juice and my achy breaky back is sore and im tired and i cant sleep and ive eaten to much just for the comfort and i realize im dying inside to no obvious oblivious suprise cause i treat myself like shit and i dont see it and then i look away and justify it when i do plus im lacking in all that is truely good - and i give it all away and i want it all back but they just take take take and i still give cause i know thats what i need. i need buds on trees. i need sunshine - feed my soul - cookies kill evil - and this is what happens when it all breaks down. the love gets to big to hold in yourself all by yourself, so you have to spread, and share it, and pass it over you like a glow from heaven and god comes down and we will sing loud and we will cry and shout and scream with all we have at the top of our lungs and the noise will scream and the earth will scream and the mountains will shake and we will stand together in the middle of it all holding our own, holding each other, knowing were right, knowing we won, knowing its all over, knowing its clean - and we can just keep pushing out, pushing over the top, that white bright light - pulse magik - kill nothing, heal everything - special angel choir - we be the chanters - we be the freeones - we be the dreamers - we be the rulers, of all there is, and we be the underclass taking back our lives - giving them theirs - letting everyone rise to themselves, letting go of all the holds us back - ripping apart chains and bonds that have rusted over in a great cleansing flood - destroy fear - fuck hate - feel love - feel great. i'll smile. i know i'll smile. and the sun.. the sun will come out like that blast that killed the devil inside - that holy light ball of fire and wicked stars burning and falling and the beauty of it all coming down. the strength of the earth reclaiming its place in the universe - all spirits aligned for one big cataclysmic encounter with the unknown but standing there, looking up, out into everything, together, we can take it. we can, and we will. we will take it back. its ours. we know it. its mine, its yours, its theirs, its everyones, together - united - strong - right - just - utopian vision of heaven - all brought by one blast of heavens throat. those horns at the walls of Jericho - my soul in your heart in my mind held by each other in one ball of _______. that is peace. that is my dream. lets do it together. let go. let go. Let go. Let go. we can. i promise. lets do it. let go. let go. let go. let go. one more step. let go. let go. let go. let go. no fear, just hope. let go. just hope. let go. let go. let go. let go. let go. let go. let go. let go.

 

.chapter.2.